Henterprise
by Nate K
Summary: Something I wrote in a moment of boredom while working the graveyard shift.


Kirk (V

_Kirk (V.O.)_

_Captain's Log: September 21, 2201 (cluck). We're en route to investigate strange radiation readings in sector 123. I only hope nothing strange will happen (cluck, cluck)._

Kirk

Mr. Sulu, what's our ETA?

_Sulu touches panel with nose._

Sulu

(cluck) About thirty minutes sir, this speed.

Kirk

Why are you slamming your face into the panel Mr. Sulu?

_Sulu and Chekov turn at the same time and stare at Kirk._

Chekov

Captain, he's a chicken. We're all chickens! (kluk)

Spock

That's right Captain. It would be (cluck) illogical not to expect Mr. Sulu not to use his beak (cluck, cluck).

Kirk (getting angry)

Spock! What the (cluck) are you talking about!

_Spock turns to face Kirk and attempts to give Vulcan salute with two feathers._

Spock

Captain, have you been putting Romulan Ale in you seed again?

_Kirk rises from chair and begins running in circles around bridge, flapping wings and cackling loudly, then suddenly stops and returns to chair and sits down._

Kirk

I'm sorry, I forget sometimes. We are chickens (cluck)!

Scotty (looking up from engineering console).

Aye, (cluck) sir.

Kirk looks over to Spock.

Kirk

Mr. Spock, what is the radiation that we are supposed to investigate?

Spock

Logically (cluck) Captain, if we knew that, we would not be going to investigate it.

Kirk

No (cluck) kidding Spock! Do you think I'm a dumb (cluck)?

Spock

Certainly not (cackle) Captain, but you do have the unfortunate tendency to sometimes (cluck) run around like a chicken with his head cut off (cluck). Don't you agree Dr. McCoy?

McCoy

What am I, a doctor or a chick magnet?

Chekov

Captain, we're about to enter the dreaded Weasel Nebula (kakhel). Should I raise shields (kluk, kluk)?

_Kirk again gets out of chair and runs around bridge cackling loudly and flapping his wings, then suddenly stops and sits down._

Kirk

Sorry (cluck). Yes, yes, raise the shields and don't ask dumb (cluck) ing questions.

Sulu (very deep voice)

We are now entering the Weasel Nebula.

_Lights flicker and go completely dark for a second then suddenly come back on at slightly lower intensity, electrical arcing sounds are heard and Halloween screams are heard before everything settles down and return to normal._

Kirk

What the (cluck) just happened?

Sulu

Nothing (cluck) sir, I just thought it might be cool (cackle).

Spock

Captain, there are strange energy readings ahead

_Kirk turns to Spock._

Kirk

Strange? In what way?

Spock

It looks like… (cackle, cackle).

_Everyone on the bridge starts falling down in slow motion and making scared chicken sounds before returning to their chairs._

Kirk

Wormhole.

_Scotty begins running around bridge flapping his wings._

Scotty

It's mine! It's mine! I'm the early bird! It's mine! Nobody else is going to get it, just back away! It's mine!

Kirk (angrily)

Sit down Scotty! I said _**wormhole**_, not worm (cluck, cluck).

Scotty

Sorry.

Kirk

Uhura, contact Star (cluck) Command.

Uhura

I'll try sir (sultry cluck), but the interference will make transmission difficult.

_Uhura pecks at buttons with her beak._

Uhura

Hailing frequencies open sir (sultry cluck).

(Over speakers)

Come in Hen-terprise, come in Hen-terprise.

Kirk

(Cluck, cluck, cackle, cluck, cackle, cluck, cluck, cackle, crow)!

(Over speakers)

Your message not clear Hen-terprise. Continue on your mission.

Uhura

Hailing frequencies closed sir (sultry cackle).

Kirk

Well, that's a fine (cluck) mess. Spock, where are we!

Spock

(cluck) We're in the Perdue System.

Kirk

What do we know about the Perdue System?

Spock

Not much, only from long-range probes. Eight planets, the third one seems to be USDA choice. Oxygen-nitrogen free range, sir (cackle).

Chekov

Captain! (kluk). Warships approaching from Perdue Three. They are approaching in their nuclear weasels!

Uhura

They've given orders to halt and prepare to be frozen for shipment. (Cackle!)

Kirk

What was that (cluck) all about Uhura!

Uhura

I'm sorry (cluck), Captain, I'm afraid I got so scared that I laid an egg.

Kirk

Well, that's a fine time to do that, Uhura (cluck). I guess that's it. Computer, set auto-destruct sequence. Let history never forget…the name…Hen-terprise. (echoes last word to fade).

_Scott McKnight sits up in bed quickly, accidentally waking up Megan who is sleeping beside him in their quarters aboard Deep Space 9._

Megan

What's wrong Scott? A nightmare?

Scott

I don't know Megan. I just had the weirdest dream. Captain James T. Kirk and the entire crew of the Starship Enterprise were chickens.

Megan

That's wheat you get for mixing Romulan Ale with raktajino.

Scott

I suppose you're right. Romulan Ale should be illegal.

Megan

It is Scott. Now go back to sleep.


End file.
